Matt: Ted Nugent’s House
It’s the rapture. Hell is taking over Earth, the innocent have been whisked up to heaven, and you’re stuck on Earth while the Devil rapes the rest of the tormented souls God rejected. Sounds like fun, right? Of course! But what do you do in this situation? If movies recent movies have taught us anything about the rapture (This Is The End), it’s that in the case of an apocalyptic takeover, you should find the nearest celebrities house and seek refuge. But with so many celebrities out there, which one do you shack up with? Ha, that’s an easy one. Hailing from Detroit Rock City is the number one rapture buddy around. That’s right, the Motor City Madman himself, Ted “The Nuge” Nugent.
Why would I run to this insane, right-wing, gun-loving lunatic? Well, besides those reasons, he’s Ted f@cking Nugent. This is the man who rocked our faced off with songs like ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ ‘Great White Buffalo,’ ‘Wango Tango,’ and ‘Stranglehold.’ A man who would literally rock audiences into submission with high flying stage antics, and then party his face off backstage. This man would literally be made of stories, and what better way to pass the rapture than to sit down with “The Nuge” and hear about his insane nights that no doubt included hookers and ammunition? Plus, when he’s not telling stories, you can just rock out with your cock out playing backup for Ted in the greatest garage band of all time.
So why else would I pick Ted? Well, as I mentioned, the dude is an avid hunter and total gun nut, so I can only imagine the armory this guy has stockpiled in a bunker somewhere. Whether I’d want to get my Daryl Dixon on with a crossbow or blow the shit out of some demons with a rocket launcher (which I can only assume he illegally owns), retreating to the fortress of Nuge-itute would provide unparalleled safety just from having Uncle Ted guarding the entrances and exits. I could soundly wail away on one of Ted’s signature guitars while he mows down any intruders who may want to tango.
Sure, the man is no doubt clinically insane, but he’s like some crazy cartoon character come to life, and that sounds way to damn fun in the rapture. Take me to a Nugent ranch and let me life out the rapture in peace, I say. And of course by in peace, I mean roaming around Nugent’s land with a loaded shotgun and a heavily armed Ted, hunting down Satan’s demons for fun. I bed Uncle Ted has plenty of room for the stuffed head of some winged beast on his mantle. Wouldn’t that be one hell of a conversation started? Oh wait, you wouldn’t need one, because you’re talking to Ted f#cking Nugent. RB4L! (Rapture Buddies For Life…duh!)
