WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Arnold Schwarzenegger Vs. Mark Wahlberg

[h2]Christian – Mark[/h2]

So the other day, I’m getting my flex on down at the gym, right? The usual crowd of chicks and bros are crowded around, just straight flipping out when I start my sets, not even gonna lie. I’m doing great, too, I’m like, just lifting so hard, and before I can finish this old bro comes up and is all like, “Let me show you how a real man lifts.” Before I can stop him with my iron might, my buddy Mark Wahlberg jumps in and tells him straight up, “Dude, I got a bunch that’s gonna funk you up!”

Needless to say, Marky Mark proceeded to smack the crap out of Ahnald and let me finish building that body. I understand that in the 1980s Schwarzenegger was the guy to go to when you needed an action hero to beat the snot out of some Russians or aliens, but we’ve moved on from the past. We live in the present, and we need heroes that can relate to the times.

What hero, do you ask? Why Mark Wahlberg of course! Not only could he push around all of his contemporaries (move over, Liam Neeson, you haven’t been in a good movie in years), but he can knock around those great muscle masses that came before him. It’s a shame he hasn’t found his way into any of the Expendables movies, especially since he could beat the snot out of half the crew while making calling them sissies (or something similar to that).

All the proof we need that he could beat anybody comes from his role in The Departed. You know why? Because he was one of about two people who actually survived the movie! Everybody else was too busy getting killed to notice that this guy was a survivor.

To be fair, Arnold probably makes the better governor of the two, and his handling of alien creatures is much more proficient than Marky Mark’s is. But let’s get into a little bit of muckraking her. How many families does Wahlberg have? Just one. And how many maids has Arnold impregnated with his little dumbbells? At least one. I know, low blow, but nobody called for a clean fight.

So just think of it this way: when you’re at the gym getting your sweat on, who do you want spotting you? Some lame Austrian bodybuilder who’s out of his element, or an everyman hero who could kick all kinds of tail and still maintain that gangster accent? Be true to yourself, and as the Funky Bunch would say, “You Gotta Believe!” Believe in Marky Mark.