WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

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Christian: Team Jacob

Whenever people ask whether I’m Team Jacob or Team Edward, they ask like there’s any choice in the matter. Who would want to take the side of a hollow vampire that makes every wrong decision he can when it comes to protecting the one he loves? I mean, come on people, he just straight up abandons her, and when he comes back, all he does is break her bed and knock her up with a baby that apparently takes a power saw to rip out of Bella’s body. So let’s be honest with ourselves: do we really want a lover whose idea of expressing love is to suck at everything?

But that Jacob Black. What a stand up character! When Edward leaves to go cry in a different corner of the world, Jacob is there to help cheer Bella up. She’s off riding motorcycles and putting her head in gators’ mouths, and Jacob’s there to stop her from being a complete idiot. Of course he develops feelings for her; it’s like feeling protective of a puppy that’s too stupid to know how to survive.

And when Edward returns with his tail between his legs and his hair in some audacious style (probably a weave or something), she runs right back without a second thought. You don’t friend zone a werewolf, Bella! That just does not happen! He has immense powers that he doesn’t threaten you with. Edward’s family practically orgasms simultaneously when you get a freaking papercut, and THAT’S the guy you’re choosing? Have fun at Thanksgiving when you’re all eating that skunk you just ran over on the way.

There are so many reasons that dating a werewolf is just plain better than running with a vampire crowd. All that overt sexuality that’s clouding your judgment? There will be none of that with these wolves! Bella would be treated like a lady, or at least a cardboard cut-out in the shape of a lady. I hardly doubt a wolf baby would ruin your ladyhood as much as a baby bat would. Jacob would also fix the bed after rocking you all night long.

Spousal arguments would be so much easier between Bella and Jacob as well, because I doubt Jacob would leave the state for half a year if she burned the meat loaf and called his mother a fat whore. Jacob is a rock of solidarity in the times that Edward is a ball of that goo that makes farting noises.

Bella, don’t you remember when you realized you fell in love with Jacob? That lasted maybe twenty minutes before you flip-flopped right back to the Cullens, what with their rival vampire clans and whatnot. If you want to have fun with that pasty bunch of mouth breathers, then go right ahead. Me and Jacob will be cuddling and nursing our love cubs together, because he’s a true gentleman.

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