Nato: Team Edward
Team Edward vs. Team Jacob? Please, Edward would make puppy chow out of that hairy mongrel.
Werewolves first appearances only date back to the late 1500s during medieval times, while recorded encounters with vampires date as far back as prehistoric times. Talk about experience! Do you really want to fumble around with a fuzzy little creature who only has a few centuries under his belt when you could have a well oiled machine versed in the ways of EVERY culture spending the night at your place? For that reason alone you should be gambling on the pale skinned man with the sharp teeth and blood-red eyes – leave the dog locked out back.
But Ok, not sold? Just check out their style! Edward sports an extremely modern chic presentation, complete with tight-fitting solid colored tees and svelte jackets which accentuate his perfectly slim physique. Mix that with those beautifully styled wavy locks, those dreamy eyes you can get lost in all day, soft pouty lips, and…hold on people, I need a second here…OK I think we’re good. Edward might as well be a damn albino model, looking like the James Dean of vampires.
On the other hand you’ve got that mangy mut Jacob, showing up to your house in jeans and a T-shirt, only to remove his shirt in a matter of seconds and reveal some glistening abs, as a self-centered caveman would dress. Sure, he physically looks good, but where’s the dangerous variety? Where’s the mixing and matching? It takes commitment to dress that dapper, and Edward deserves way more credit for keeping his equally tone bod under wraps, entrancing lovers with more than Mongoloid impulses.
And what about when they change, eh? What you see is what you get with Edward. He’s a vampire from the minute you see him, and when he changes, he looks exactly the same. Super strong, super fast, can climb shit like no other, is all-star baseball player, totally immortal, can sex you so good he breaks the entire room in a chaotic tornado of love, and he’s a human disco ball in the sunlight! Jacob? He turns into an angry housepet that can thus be slapped around like one, growls a lot, and is completely naked. How tacky. Is there really even an argument there?
While we’re on it, what about Jacob’s “pack?” A bunch of shirtless dudes wearing cut off jean shorts just hanging around? Probably oiling each other’s abs up? Probably sniffing each others asses? What! They’re dogs! That’s what they do! But c’mon, doesn’t anyone else think this whole Bella love thing is just a cover up for Jacob, to hide the fact that he’s batting for the team opposite Edward? Jacob’s pack is the equivalent of the Village People – if they were all homosexual werewolves. Do you really want to marry a dude based on abs alone, only to find out he’d rather sleep naked in the woods, snuggled up with his “brothers” for “warmth,” “marking” each other’s “territory?”
This is a clear-cut case people, Team Edward all day, everyday.
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Published: Nov 20, 2012 03:52 pm