Why Deadpool Is THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!!! Definitely Not Written By Deadpool.

1) IT’S-A-ME, DEADPOOL!

You fanboys have been sploodging over thoughts of a proper Deadpool movie since that human queef Gavin Hood shit the bed on X-Men Origins: Wolverine, AND YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

Stupid Spider-Boy’s had five freakin’ movies so far, and is on his third actor, because he’s your friendly neighborhood goody two-shoes money whore. But what about your not-so-friendly neighborhood mercenary who likes turning criminals into human fucking shish-kabobs? Where’s the love for psychopaths these days?!

Cappy Americana has been chucking his frisbee shield around for how many freakin’ movies, and people are still cheering?! You damn Marvel zombies – NOBODY PUNISHES ASSHOLES LIKE DEADPOOL. AND MAYBE THAT CAME OUT WRONG. Or maybe it didn’t?

Seriously though. Fucking triple-dipped headshots and katana karnage?! You’re welcome for not giving you a pussified superhero movie like the twenty-billionth X-Men ticklefight. Ohhhhh, look at me! I’m Paul Rudd! I’m so funny and charming that hopefully you won’t realize how inconsequential my origin story is! No. Deadpool comes out of the gate, fists (and dick) swinging – but not for no reason.

Y’all ain’t never seen a mofo antihero like Wade Wilson (well, maybe except that bonkers Punisher: War Zone everyone forgot about), and you’re welcome for livening up a genre getting staler than week-old Taco Bell. With the same…pfff…SHITTY (HAHAHA LOLOLZ) side-effects. Violence, laughs, romance, strap-on pro-feminism anal invasions – DEADPOOL HAS IT ALL!