Why Deadpool Is THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!!! Definitely Not Written By Deadpool.

Hey there, reader! It's me! Matt Donato! Safe, sound, and definitely not tied up while Deadpool hijacks his...I mean...MY computer! Wait. Let's just delete that part - and why am I typing in a steady stream of conscious? We'll figure that out later. For now, delete. Why aren't you working. You stupid little keyboard minion, I will unleash HOLY HELL IF YOU DON'T UNSTICK YOURSELF FROM THIS CHIMICHANGA SAUCE THAT WAS DEFINITELY HERE ALREADY. Well, I guess I can't delete anything. Better be on my A+ journalism game. Can't be that hard...because I'm Matt Donato, and live glued to a keyboard! I'm here to tell you why Deadpool is the grooviest, most ass-kicking, henchman-decapitating explosion of orgasmic AWESOMENESS that'd excite even a stone-cold bastard like Old Man Logan. Sweet, crotchety, oh-so-handsomely-rugged...KEEP IT TOGETHER DEADPOOL. Think unsexy thoughts. Baseball. Sammy Sosa. Derek Jeter. Bartolo Colon. DAMMIT. Be right back readers, Dea...Donato needs a quicky cold shower. Don't go anywhere! *Five minutes later* - seriously, why do I keep typing EVERYTHING?! It's like some convenient writing mechanism to...WAIT, I CAN INSERT PICTURES AT RANDOM?! God dammit you spandexy studmuffin. Burt Reynolds who?? Alright. After spit-shining the pipes a bit to remove any blockage, let's cut the bullshit. Who gives a fuck about some stupid introduction where I babble about backstory and why the movie was made and UGHHHH BORRRRING. You sheep just want to click through a list and read big, bold headlines, so you can drop steamy digital deuces in the comments section. Hell, I don't even need to write any coherent thoughts. You'll just tear main points apart, telling me to do unspeakable things to my family members, and then I'll get your address from one of my many corrupt hacker friends. What happens after that will be up to you. So play nice, OK kids? OR YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY (DEFINITELY STILL MATT DONATO AND NOT DEADPOOL) ARSENAL OF DOOOOOOOOOM! Wait, why didn't - OH. Embedding. Right. Got it. 1) IT'S-A-ME, DEADPOOL! You fanboys have been sploodging over thoughts of a proper Deadpool movie since that human queef Gavin Hood shit the bed on X-Men Origins: Wolverine, AND YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED. Stupid Spider-Boy's had five freakin' movies so far, and is on his third actor, because he's your friendly neighborhood goody two-shoes money whore. But what about your not-so-friendly neighborhood mercenary who likes turning criminals into human fucking shish-kabobs? Where's the love for psychopaths these days?! Cappy Americana has been chucking his frisbee shield around for how many freakin' movies, and people are still cheering?! You damn Marvel zombies - NOBODY PUNISHES ASSHOLES LIKE DEADPOOL. AND MAYBE THAT CAME OUT WRONG. Or maybe it didn't? Seriously though. Fucking triple-dipped headshots and katana karnage?! You're welcome for not giving you a pussified superhero movie like the twenty-billionth X-Men ticklefight. Ohhhhh, look at me! I'm Paul Rudd! I'm so funny and charming that hopefully you won't realize how inconsequential my origin story is! No. Deadpool comes out of the gate, fists (and dick) swinging - but not for no reason. Y'all ain't never seen a mofo antihero like Wade Wilson (well, maybe except that bonkers Punisher: War Zone everyone forgot about), and you're welcome for livening up a genre getting staler than week-old Taco Bell. With the same...pfff...SHITTY (HAHAHA LOLOLZ) side-effects. Violence, laughs, romance, strap-on pro-feminism anal invasions - DEADPOOL HAS IT ALL! 2) We Gave The People What They Wanted! Who gives a shit how that righteous Deadpool test footage got leaked (definitely not at gunpoint...tehehehehe!). Can we just rejoice that I..ugh..I MEAN DEADPOOL delivered EXACTLY as promised? YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA. Or, wherever you are that you're reading this. BUENOS DIAS, SPANISH DEADPOOL FANS! DUCEN DUCEN, GERMANY! G'DAY, MATE, YOU AUSSIE LUNATICS! Say hi to Bub for me if he's not fighting a dingo, eh? In that brief glimpse of what-could-be, rookie phenom director Tim Miller teased EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ME AWESOME...I MEAN - alright, fuck it. I AM DEADPOOL, AND YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAAARRR. Donato is still breathing, I think, and he'll be back to bore you with his stupid movie opinions another day. Fucker didn't even like The Babadook! Nerd. As I was saying, the Comic Con test footage was everything you loyal DP fans...hehe...have been CRAVING. HARDCORE DP ACTION UP IN THIS BITCH. Marvel was all..."Oh, but Deadpool, you can't have a movie until $7 million dollars are shaved and we grow the balls to release a serious, mainstream, R-rated piece of art." Then the test footage came out and you ravenous hyenas gobbled it up like Honey Boo Boo's Mom and a Worst Mother Of The Century Aaward! Sure, those wordy-people Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick trimmed the script, removing EVEN MORE EXPLODEY FUN , but no one let this movie die. We heard your cries, and answered with gratuitous violence, masturbation jokes, middle fingers everywhere, and a buttload more masturbation jokes. Like a pinky to the stinky, you're welcome. We knew it'd work, and THE CRITICS HAVE SPOKEN! Donato's only alive because of this review. Except this snooty New Yorker guy. Or this guy from a business magazine? Oh, and FUCK THIS GUY. 3) MORENA BACCARIN ;) BOOOOBIESSSS! Hubba hubba. Six-to-midnight quicker than Wolverine can shoot out those titanium claws, am I right? Let's just say we put the R-rating to good use. But keep it in your pants, Firefly fans! Theaters don't take kindly to self-gratification during sold-out opening nights. Nor did my seat neighbors. Or the family five rows ahead of me. New record! I'm bored. Here are more pictures of Morena Baccarin. Ohhh yeah, Deadpool doesn't think there'd be any serenity here. (Because she's in Serenity!) Daddy Deadpool likey... I DON'T EVEN CARE WHERE THIS IS FROM. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY COME NEXT! OK MAYBE NOT THAT ONE. Or not without a nail file... 4) Ryan Reynolds :0 Listen - there's only one DP. BUT, Tim Miller didn't exactly feel comfortable with me on set, plus they wouldn't meet all my contractual obligations (ONE FREAKIN' DATE WITH DAME HELEN MIRREN), so if anyone was going to be me, it was gonna be Ry-Ry. Deadpool can get behind a Sexiest Man Alive winner for OBVIOUS REASONS, and it's about time Reynolds got redemption for Wolverine. And Blade: Trinity. AND GREEN LANTERN?! Holy balls, Reynolds - I hope you washed the shit off after starring in those bombs. We don't need my suit smelling like dookie for the sequel! Give the Canuck some credit, because he plays a hero well! And by "hero," of course I mean a wise-ass, witty, super-assassin who'd slay Last Comic Standing if the whole mercenary thing gets old. He's everything X-Men Origins: Wolverine wouldn't allow (DAMN THE MAN), an experience so bad that I committed suicide 107 times - once for every minute of that offensive, slanderous, and downright BULLSHIT excuse for a comic book movie. Deadpool <3 Ryan Reynolds, and after his fat Marvel paychecks start rolling in again, I'm sure Ryan Reynolds <3 Deadpool too! YOU'RE WELCOME, POOKYKINS! 5) Marvel Has A Sense Of Humor??? Props Marvel - you took a lashing from "The Mouth" himself, and lived to see another day ($150 million dollars richer, just in one weekend). Sorry for all the digs at your stupid post-credits mindgames, multiple reboots, and really, really, REALLY BAD past decisions. But I gave DC a taste of DP too! Hehe. Green Lantern didn't escape! It probably wasn't easy to man up and take a few punches to the gut, but hopefully those actual punches to the gut during our "discussions" weakened the emotional blow. It's nothing personal! Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick shared my take on today's tight-fitting movie culture, and we went no-holds barred. Gloves came off. Being nice is soOoOoOoOo boring. All the world's funniest people are assholes! Denis Leary wrote a song about it! But, to OK a movie that teabags your entire cinematic universe? That takes some steel, Colossus-sized huevos even Deadpool can appreciate! And yes, I'm using third person sometimes! Because I'm not a writer and I don't give a shit! So, Marvel, let me embrace a rare moment of humility and say thank you for being such a good sport! Then let me come out of that humble notion by then saying SERIOUSLY, STILL FUCK YOU FOR X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE. 6) FRANDS!!! :) Reese's Pieces and...uhh...I can't think of a nickname for Wernick...but the writers of Deadpool were nice enough to give me some friends to play with, and boy golly are they swell/perfectly aimed at different demographics (BIG FANCY MARKETING WORD). I mean, what the shit is up with Negasonic Teenage Warhead? Is that how all whiny millennials act?! Granted, I'm not keen on what Beliebers now worships as cool and hip, with their Tweeters and tumbling (didn't know gymnastics made a comeback), but if that means not caring about fucking Vine celebrities, then sign me up. Even so, Deadpool loves Brianna Hildebrand's spunk, and her sass is spot on - something a fellow jokester can appreciate. Then there's the Soviet gloomy-Gus, Mr. I-Don't-Let-Deadpool-Have-Any-Fun himself, Cock-lossus. I'd rather stick my wrinkled dick inside Paris Hilton's radioactive cooch than listen to another one of his do-gooding lectures - so watching Movie Me not give a crap was like living a fantasy. Just seeing the look on that titanium taint's face is enough to make my tights a little less comfortable. With friends like these, do you really need enemies? FUCKING "A" YOU DO. You can't pump bullets into your superhero friends, no matter how boring their monologues are. There's also T.J. Miller, who I've only seen in some vodka and beer commercials, but he was a pretty funny Weasel! And Gina Carano struck the fear of God into my boner. I liked it. I think? Or I'm terrified, because her fighting skills are off-the-charts crazy. I wish she'd throw me around like Colossus... Who said I don't play well with others! At least in the movies I do! 7) Timmy 'Effin Miller Can we give Deadpool's fearless leader a pat on the back, or a much deserved Peppermint Fatty? Sure, every other director I asked turned the gig down, including that dude who makes those funny parody porn videos I like, but who knew Miller had such a...where's my thesaurus...PRODIGIOUS vision trapped inside. My blood-stained wood floors couldn't survive another shitty Deadpool replication, but Miller saved me a few bullets and hours of angry regenerations. IMDB.com tells me that Tim Miller has never directed an actual movie before (DETECTIVE DEADPOOL!), because short films don't count, but despite having absolutely no experience, this dude kicked it through the uprights from 70 yards out. IT'S UP, IT'S BLOODY, IT'S GOOD! Thing is, Deadpool doesn't rock n' roll just because I rain bullets down on generic thugs and produce human slices of Swiss cheese. Miller shows my sensitive side, including my over-exaggerated studliness in the bedroom (DAMN YOU USELESS DELETE BUTTON), and makes it all about saving my sweet, smokin' chica from certain doom. I've got a beating, loving heart you know - I'm not 100% Parental Advisory Warning badassery. Let's see. I love Death! I love the X-Team's Blackbird. I love being a dick to Cable. I love long walks on the beach after decapitating no less than 7 henchmen. I love finding two gummy bears stuck together so it makes one really big mutant gummy bear! Oh! When you sit on your hand, waiting until it goes numb, then you OH FINE. Shut up Donato, and your stupid rule of overkill. Fucking writer drama queens. Anyway, Miller explores the many faces of Deapool - killer, savior, lover, sexual Tyrannosaurus, super-great roomate, Croc enthusiast, acrobatic assassin, underdog, Freddy Krueger look-a-like...the list goes on. I've got a message right here for all the haters out there saying Deadpool is nothing but childish, crude stupidity. ...I was holding out one middle finger. And making a jerk-off motion with my other hand. Just to confirm. Assholes. 8) The Political And Socit... OH SWEET BABY JESUS, what is that intoxicating aroma?! TACO TRUCK RIGHT OUTSIDE?! Well fuck this shit. I'm done sitting in front of a laptop anyway. Who's crazy enough to live like this? Get outside! Stop spending hours a day hate-reading other people's opinions, and then hate-commenting your life away! THERE'S A BIG WORLD OUT THERE, INTERNET! WITH MOVE THEATERS! PLAYING MY MOVIE! GO WATCH IT SO WE CAN KEEP THIS CRAZY TRAIN A'ROLLING! CHOO FUCKIN' CHOO! I'd like to thank Matt Donato for remaining pleasantly hogtied while I ruined his reputation online and texted weird Pterodactyl porn pictures to his girlfriend. She seemed nice! XOXO Gossip Girl AKA Deadpool Blood and kisses!

Why Deadpool Is THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!!! Definitely Not Written By Deadpool.

3) MORENA BACCARIN 😉