The Five Worst Films Of 2012 So Far

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2. The Lorax

Even though I have seen one worse film this year, no movie has made me quite as sad these past six months as The Lorax. Dr. Seuss’ book is one of the greatest works ever written for children, a beautifully bleak, thoroughly solemn environmental parable that respects the intelligence of its young audience on every level.

But Universal’s The Lorax? It is easily one of the worst children’s films ever made, for it ignores or mocks everything that mattered to Dr. Seuss. Instead of a serious, down-to-earth fable, it is a broad, pandering comedy, filled wall-to-wall with terrible jokes, endless slapstick, pop culture references, horrifyingly awful musical numbers, and long, complicated car chases.  Yes, you read that right. The Lorax now includes car chases.  Several of them.

The Lorax himself is no longer a dignified, reverential figure, but a pathetic piece of comic relief we are made to laugh at. The Once-ler isn’t a somber, single-minded businessman, but a buffoon with an electric guitar. There are singing fish, dancing bears, and a ridiculously over-the-top villain whose evil plan is plagiarized from Spaceballs. The few moments in the film that directly reference the book make fun of or parody what Seuss wrote, and most depressingly of all, the environmental message is buried deep, deep down until the film’s final minutes, when a highly simplified version of it is delivered with all the effectiveness and sincerity of an eighties public service announcement.

It’s rare that a movie outrages me on a fundamental level, but to my mind, this hollow, studio-manufactured desecration of The Lorax is a frightening distillation of everything that is wrong with Hollywood, and I feel nothing but remorse for what they are putting our nation’s children through. They deserve so, so much better than this. 

1. That’s My Boy 

That’s My Boy isn’t just the worst film of 2012. It isn’t just the worst comedy in a decade. It is one of the most disgusting, morally reprehensible films of all time, and the anger I still hold towards this cinematic abomination is so vast it cannot possibly be contained in a brief description. I suggest reading my full review of the film, a piece so heavily vitriolic that it was quoted by The Huffington Post with the headline “Did These Critics Go Too Far?”

And while we here at We Got This Covered absolutely appreciate the publicity, we also resent the suggestion that anyone could go too far in criticizing Adam Sandler’s latest s***-fest.

That’s My Boy asks us to laugh at situations any sane human would find horrific, and desires our sympathy for detestable characters, all without having anything intelligent, meaningful, or the least bit redeeming to say about its subject matter. Shocking the audience may be one of the cornerstones of intelligent comedy, but offending without insight or reason is the bedrock of lowbrow humor. That’s My Boy falls several cavernous steps beneath lowbrow. It may, in fact, establish the bottom of the comedy barrel for several generations to come.

This is a thoroughly misanthropic film, one that hates the sane and demented characters alike; it hates subtle comedy and intelligent subtext; it hates the idea of healthy sexual relations, and it hates laughs that arise organically from the characters; it really hates minorities, fat people, and women, but above all else, it hates the audience, and shows it by delivering nothing but repulsive drivel.

And you know what? I hate it right back. That’s My Boy is easily the worst film of 2012.

And I’m still waiting for Columbia to put that quote on a poster.

If you still need a reason to avoid That’s My Boy, check out the trailer below.

What do you think? Have you seen these films? Did you hate them as much as I did? Are there ones you loathed that I didn’t include? Sound off in the comments!

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