The Worst Movies Of 2015 (So Far…)

MD: Blackhat

Starting this blurb, I actually had to re-read my entire review of Blackhat. No, not because I love reading my own thoughts, but because I couldn’t remember a single defining characteristic of Blackhat. Only flashes of cyberspace, plenty of running, and Chris Hemsworth’s inability to keep any shirt buttoned.

Michael Mann brings the same hazy focus to Blackhat that most his movies sport, as Hemsworth finds himself hacking his way around the world through a lackluster lens. Of course, Hemsworth’s character is also a total badass, like most stereotypical hackers, but lifeless choreography doesn’t do much in the way of action excitement. As a generic cherry on top, Mann throws in a hot little piece for Hemsworth to immediately fall in love with, because nobody goes on dates anymore – they find love through deadly government conspiracies!

Blackhat is as bland, tasteless and mundane a thriller as they come. Easy as that.

MD: Aloha

Despite receiving good graces from Hawaiian natives and beautiful tropical weather, Cameron Crowe’s latest blunder, Aloha, ends up being an early contender for 2015’s biggest bomb. With names like Bradley Cooper, Alec Baldwin, Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams, and MANY more, there’s no reason for this cast to nose-dive into a catastrophic rom-com disaster. Houston, we’ve got a MAJOR problem.

Many a hater lashed out against Crowe’s decision to cast Emma Stone as a (part) native Hawaiian, but my qualms aren’t with Allison Ng (Stone), a far-too-perky spirit who’s everything that Brian Gilcrest’s (Cooper) isn’t. I’m more bothered by a strange space story, the complete abandonment of Hawaiian culture about halfway through the film, and many subplots that are simply unnecessary.

Gilcrest’s relationship with ex-lover Tracy Woodside (McAdams) only adds to the confusion, as he continually makes advances despite her current familial status, but at least this emotional assault leads to the film’s most entertaining moments when John ‘Woody’ Woodside (Krasinski) asserts his steely dominance.

But even Krasinski’s macho stare can’t save Aloha from crashing and burning to an embarrassing, wasteful extent. Looks like we’ll have to wait a bit longer for the redemption of Cameron Crowe…