No one really talks about it, presumably because they have better things to do with their time, but there is truly something exactingly mythological about the soda industry; be it the many shenanigans of Pepsiman, Mountain Dew’s acclimation to the life-blood and mark of a true gamer, or the utter, gonzo, meme-worthy consistency of Coca-Cola commercials, the depth of the carbonated beverage industry doesn’t deserve to live in the obscurity that it does.
It’s fitting, then, that one of the industry’s operational nooks was recently the site of a truly biblical event, captured in moderate definition by TikTok‘s @miikebebo; the warehouse, you see, forms the light and creates darkness, brings prosperity and creates disaster, and it is not possible for anyone to be responsible for its actions.
Captured in several segments across 34 unholy seconds, we’re greeted by a gargantuan yellow omen that announces its presence with a relatively minor spill, while threatening worse hours ahead with its imposing lean and rapidly-increasing defiance of the laws of physics. Shortly after, the dark harvest begins, subjecting the warehouse to a total gravitational massacre where every piece of tin is destined to become intimate with the concrete. Mike, no doubt enthralled by the warehouse’s madness, lets out a gleeful squeal as each and every yellow soda can comes crashing down, serving up ample mayhem for us mere mortals to grotesquely relish in. These stories, dear reader, will have their stones set in antimony.
Now, presumably, such moments in time remain mostly undocumented for the sake of our innocence at large, hence why you won’t be seeing many mentions of things like this on the topic of warehouse dangers. According to office and industrial supplier Randex, the seven most common causes of warehouse accidents include falling, slipping, lifting incorrectly too often, handling toxic substances, hazardous energies from certain equipment, heavy machinery mishaps, and collisions/unsafe walking conditions. Indeed, nowhere does it mention the nth coming of the Great Tin Can Collapse.
And this is just the first sign of the prophesized a-pop-alypse. By the end of the 22nd century, we will need to prepare for the Pacific Ocean becoming engulfed with Fanta, and if you thought those orcas weren’t tenacious enough in their yacht-centric violence, just wait until you see what they’re capable of when they’re on a constant sugar high. The Sprite coalition will rise up in the aftermath, and trust me, you don’t want life to give you those lemons. As for what happens when Red Bull enters the fray, well, that’s too vile an ordeal to even speak of.
So keep your loved ones close and stay hydrated, folks; the end times are here, and they’re packing a whole lot of carbonation.
