13 Life Lessons Learned From Mad Men’s Don Draper

Don Draper is a freaking badass - a man among men, never short of a smart quip or a crippling matriarchal complex. With the seventh and final season of Mad Men in full and retrotastic swing, it's high time we all took a few leaves out of the leather bound, well-dressed, scotch swilling notebook of the one true Don. The dress code is strict, the emotional odysseys are long and arduous, but you're going to come out the other end looking like the coolest bastard who ever was. Trust us. So, without further ado, here are 13 valuable life lessons that you can learn from Mr. Donald Draper. Oh, and this article contains a ton of spoilers, so beware. 13) Napping on the job is a way to solve all of life's problems Struggling to think of that one great pitch? Nap time. Divorce proceedings getting messy? Nap time. Where Sherlock has his Mind Palace, you have a Nap Zone - a place where all of life's annoying problems are replaced by glorious, couch-aided slumber. Woe-betide anyone who disturbs you, you're in the middle of a traumatic flashback dream thing, and you need it to finish so you can justify being a philandering bastard for the rest of the day. That, and you're trying to deal with a killer hangover. 12) Public humiliation is the sweetest form of revenge So Roger Sterling's tried to put the moves on your wife - do you confront him? No, of course not. That wouldn't be anywhere near elaborate enough. You're going to take him out, drink him under the table, and force him to walk up countless flights of stairs so you can gleefully watch him vomit in front of the whole office. It also makes for a sweet gif. Wanna show Ted who's really boss around the office? Heavily imply his and Peggy's affair in a meeting with a valuable set of clients. On top of Ted's glorious look of horror, there's the added bonus of taking Peggy down a few... pegs - more on that later. 11) Alcoholism is the foundation of all existence ever ever ever You have never known a sweeter mistress than the Good Lady Booze, and you've had your way with a fair few others. This is the Don way, if you weren't pissing pure grain alcohol by the age of 10, you're just not going to cut it. Sorry about that. You're pretty sure you came out of the womb plastered, but near constant drunkenness hasn't stopped you from becoming an advertising God, chiseled genius and father to three emotionally stunted children - all hallmarks of a true badass. 10) Sleeping with women is a great way to repress traumatic memories So you've developed a good old matriarchal complex, one of the first steps you need to take on the pin-striped road to Draper-ness. You never knew your mother and you were brought up by prostitutes - good start, I'm sure sleeping with lots of older women will make it go away. Affairs must be long and messy, involve at least one car crash and several near-discoveries to keep it exciting. You know what'd be hot? Lock your latest fling in a hotel room for the weekend. If you're going to be a Freudian nightmare, you can at least be a bit silly about it. 9) Children are on par with semi-irritating household pets You've just come home from work, do you really need to deal with your kid's bullcrap? Who cares if they're struggling with growing up or chronically stupid, there's no reason why you should ever have to share a room with them. They're to be neither seen nor heard unless you're bored and want to go to the movies, and their constant pestering sorely tempts you to have the words "Go watch TV" tattooed to the insides of their eyelids, but forget enough birthdays and they'll learn to keep their distance. Apparently there's three of them now, but - let's be honest - when was the last time you saw the youngest one... or even cared? 8) If there's not a cigarette in your hand, you're doing life wrong Smoke up! How can you expect to be the biggest badass the 60's has ever seen if you don't sweat nicotine? Smoke in the shower, smoke while you're putting the kids to bed - hell, you should probably give smoking in your sleep the old college try. Who needs lungs really anyway? Losers, that's who. And you're not a loser, you're a winner, and winners contract lung cancer at the age of 25 - fact. 7) It is never a bad time to abuse Peggy There's no support like the kind of support that leaves your budding protégé with crippling emotional trauma. Respond to her puppy-dog like earnestness with a combination of vitriol and muted grumpiness. When she comes to you with a good idea, either tweak it and claim it as your own or throw it in the trash so you can feed off her grief. She looks up to you, and therefore must be made to feel like crap. It's for her own good, of course. It's a cut-throat world out there, and she needs to be reminded of that every second of every day. 6) Being incredibly vague about your past is a great way to get people to trust you Turn that metaphorical drawer of secrets into a literal drawer of secrets and then never show it to anyone. Not ever, or at least not until it's the least appropriate moment possible. You're a self-made man with a stolen identity, and you will flaunt that with numerous made up stories that become ever harder to keep track of. Your wife and family? Pah. They know less about you than your doorman, and there's no way you're going to let anyone - regardless of biological connections - in on your countless dark secrets. And to think, they actually believe they know your real name. 5) Periods of remorse must be limited to 10 minutes or less So your wife's uncovered your near constant philandering and fake name (took her long enough), and she wants a divorce. Or maybe your kid walked in on you midway through a bout of aforementioned philandering. Heck, you may have even driven a member of your close family to kill themselves. So what? A true Don only does remorse in brief, concentrated, extremely unhealthy pockets before throwing on yet another suit and manning the hell up. You pack that retrospective grief up and only bring it out when you need to win domestic arguments or make colleagues feel really, really uncomfortable. Happiness may be a moment before you need more happiness, but guilt is just a moment before you need another drink. 4) The best ideas always come to you at the last possible second Procrastination is the fuel of the Gods. Remember that super important meeting with that multi-million dollar account you've got in 5 minutes? You'd think that the key to these kind of things would be in the preparation, but no, being a first rate Don is all about spontaneity in the boardroom. The whole office knows you've been off on strange existential hallucinatory trips all weekend, and there's no better way to make them feel like lowly mortals than pulling it out of the bag at the last possible second. Besides, I'm sure you'll work something out... maybe a nap will help? 3) Make a point of saying at least three deep and embittered things per day Prime Dinner-Time Quips: "Love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons." “Change is neither good or bad, it simply is.” “I blow up bridges.” You're an emotional hard-ass, and you want the world to know it. Cover up your deep emotional insecurities with layer upon layer of smart quips and one-liners designed to decimate. Why engage people in proper conversation when you can instead undermine them by proving how God damn smart you are? 2) Run out of stuff to do? Gaze solemnly out a window Drink in hand, cigarette dangling from a grimacing pair of lips, you gaze out across the sprawl of New York. Penniless fools being told what to buy and where to go by billboards and signposts wander in a daze from doorway to doorway. It's winter, the air is bitter, and the clouds overhead hint at snow. You've been standing here for two hours now, but you don't care - your silhouette looks totally badass. 1) Have another drink No really, you deserve it.