Alright, this week Remy and I wanted to keep a festive theme for the upcoming holidays and we’ve both already touched upon our favorite Christmas horror movies (Mine here! Remy’s here!), but one question still remains – who is the ultimate horror Santa? There are plenty of killer Claus’, but we’re not happy with keeping them all on a level playing field. Therefore, entering the ring for one final battle will be Santas from Rare Exports, Santa’s Slay, Saint (Sint), and the newly released Silent Night. I know more exist, but the brawl may continue until next week, so we’ll see if a new challenger emerges!
At first glance, you’ve got some serious crazy eyes from Rare Export‘s entry, a fighting advantage from Santa’s Slay contender Bill Goldberg, an undead army of henchman with Saint’s red covered bastard, and a weapons advantage with Silent Night‘s final competitor sporting a skin charring flamethrower. Insanity, skills, zombification, or military grade weaponry – who will be the last jolly ass-kicker left standing when all the Christmas cookies have crumbled and the elves have made their proper bets? This is going to be a throwdown of scale tipping proportions, ruining any plans of a silent night, and instead bringing us an indefinitely deadly night.
Oh yeah, and since Remy and I are total nerds, we’re going to stage this thing like a PokéBattle. Fitting, since I’ve always thought of Remy as the Magikarp in this partnership.
Trainer Remy picks Santa from Silent Night (with Flamethrower Attack)
Trainer Remy picks Santa from Rare Exports (with creepy looking mental attack)
Trainer Nato picks Santa from Saint (with awesome “S” shaped scepter and undead minions)
Trainer Nato picks Santa from Santa’s Slay (With WCW legend Bill Goldberg’s special move set)Next
Trainer Remy: I choose YOU, Santa from Rare Exports!
He comes out the Santa Pokéball all old and naked. That is when it hits me how this is most likely not going to go in my favor. He uses “creepy stare” to thicken his defenses and readies for an attack.
Trainer Nato: I choose YOU, Santa from Saint!
Out comes a crazy old Norse medieval Santa, pissed off from being burned alive and accompanied by a posse of evil killer henchmen. His sinister accomplices surround the Santa from Rare Exports, toying and distracting the hulking beast into a fit of rage. Rare Exports Santa tries to fight off the numerous undead demons, but he’s easily antagonized and distracted. It’s super effective!
Remy then yells something that is clearly out of sync with his mouth in a loud, grating anime voice: HAHAHAHA, HOW SIMPLE WAS IT TO LULL YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF PEACE. Santa from Rare Exports, back into your snowball.
Santa From Silent Night, I CHOOOOOOOSSSEEE YOUUUUUUU!
He appears, dressed to the nines, with his creepy ass Mall Santa mask on and oddly silent demeanor.
The irony here is that he has a wonderfully pointless and excessive flamethrower that, when gazed upon by Santa from Saint, fills him with pure terror from his memories of roasting alive. The Black Petes begin to surround Silent Santa, but he makes short work of them by turning them into a pile of ash at the feet of Saint Nick.
Normally silent, he breaks character to bust out a horror movie quip: “Do you know what Ho Ho Ho spells when you add a T to it, Nick?” At which point, he proceeds to cook Saint Nick alive while HOT HOT HOT plays in the background.
Trainer Remy: (Anime voice returns) Looks like this round goes to ME!
Silent Santa stands there, flamethrower nozzle exhaling gray wisps of exhaust and smoke into the air.
Trainer Remy: Your move!Previous Next
Trainer Nato: Well Remy, you may be puffing your chest a tad now, but I’ve been saving the best for last.
Santa from Santa’s Slay, I CHOOSE YOU!
Ha, you can keep your flamethrower and stupid mask, because this Santa is a demon forced into a life of good deeds when he lost a costly wager, but guess what kiddies, all bets are off now!
Bursting from his Pokéball with brute force, shattering the sphere in an explosion of red and green, out lumbers Goldberg-Claus, the pissed off Santa looking to spill some blood.
Goldberg-Claus dashes through the snow directly towards Silent Santa, gaining momentum like a gigantic snowball rolling downhill. Remy’s Silent Santa goes to kick on his chestnut roasting flamethrower, but a kink in his hose causes a momentary malfunction, rendering this psycho Santa heavily unarmed – not a great situation with a much stronger and more physically abusive Santy Claus barrelling down on him.
Digging into his signature moves lickity split, Goldberg-Claus lowers his head and delivers a spine-splitting football tackle known only as “The Spear” to our defenseless Silent Santa, leaving him twitching on the ground. With his HP low and in a state of paralysis, Remy has no choice but to look on after a critical hit was administered by Goldberg-Clause. Remy cries out for another flamethrower attack, but it’s no use. Silent Santa could do nothing but lay there in agony, forced to skip his turn. Good thing too, because it just would have drawn the whole ordeal out. With a simple approving nod from his trainer, Goldberg-Claus climbs the highest ledge around, signals to the crowd, and delivers a game ending frog-splash from the top ropes. Sweet sugar plum filled dreams, Silent Santa.
But what is this? Remy still has a trick up his sleeve? Blast! Rare Exports Santa still lives as he was pulled from battle earlier, already with a leer attack that boosted his defensive power. Trainer Nato exhibits momentary disdain, but then remembers Goldberg-Claus is a straight boss.
Starting the final battle off, Rare Santa again uses his hellish glare, opting not to psychically strike. Confused in what should be the heat of battle, Goldberg-Claus injures himself in confusion like a f#cking dummy.
*No seriously, that always pissed me off, I don’t care how confused you are, you have to TRY to hit yourself in the face. Wouldn’t you still punch straight out, maybe hitting your trainer (from a Pokemon’s perspective) and pissing them off?
No matter, because Goldberg-Claus has inflicted damage upon himself in a caveman like showing of stupidity.
Returning back to Rare Santa, he finally takes the offensive, using a berserker style rage attack, clawing at Goldberg-Claus with those dangerously sharp claws. Remy watches with a devilish gleam in his eye, seeing his plan working perfectly.
Too bad Remy has completely underestimated how mighty Goldberg-Claus actually is, still possessing a hefty amount of HP, and his attacking turn. Reaching into his merry sack of death, out Goldberg-Claus pulls a festively decorated Christmas present. Aw, how nice! Winding up and delivering a fastball directly at our Rare Santa, it turns out a loving gift isn’t hidden inside the snowman covered wrapping, and instead an impact detonating grenade. Boom goes the dynamite, and the Santa, throwing him back a considerable amount. His old age and frail body are no match for the blast, leaving him in critical condition. Too weak to compete, Remy calls back Rare Santa and admits defeat, begrudgingly kicking a rock all the way to the nearest Pokemon Center.
But what’s this!? Is Goldberg-Claus evolving!? Wait, that’s not leveling up – what are those flying ghosts? Oh no, remember how there can only be one? Having already consumed the souls of Saint Santa and Silent Santa, Goldberg-Claus makes a B-line for Trainer Remy, does something wicked with an icicle, unleashes Rare Santa, finishes the job with one last “present,” and consumes the final remaining soul. (Yes, that’s a Highlander reference.)
In an attempt to re-capture his renegade Claus, Trainer Nato uses another Pokéball, but the now even stronger Goldberg-Claus crushes the device with a swift kick. Giving his old trainer a wink, Goldberg-Claus belts a hearty laugh, then exclaims “Merry Christmas Nato, I’ll be visiting very soon. Keep the milk warm for me!” That was the last Trainer Nato ever saw of Goldberg-Claus, but he still refuses to sleep come Christmas Eve, keeping an open ear for the pitter patter of footsteps on his roof, and a watchful eye for dust fluttering down his chimney.
Winning Trainer: Nato?
Winning Santa: Goldberg-Claus
Final Conclusion: We’re not really sure what you just read or why you did, but Merry Christmas from both Remy and I! May all your days be snowy, white, and without vengeful Santas!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where we confess our most guilty horror movie pleasures! I mean, infected fried chicken and beds that eat people, what else do you need??Previous