There has never been a worse time to be an artist inclined towards satire. As the world continues to prove with every passing day that it is capable of not only creating a better satire than anyone could ever write, but also spawning such characters that go so impossibly far off the rails, lampooning them becomes nigh impossible.
Enter the political landscape of the United States, a country-wide parody that puts the likes of Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles to shame, and the figurehead of this season’s shenanigans is none other than Marjorie Taylor Greene, the Republican Party’s chief conspiracy theorist and perhaps the most dubious CrossFit participant in the world.
Indeed, whenever Greene opens her mouth, she somehow makes herself even more untouchable to the world’s satirists, and it’s starting to get to the point where we have to wonder if this is all scripted. In any case, the congresswoman has amassed quite a list of dishearteningly memorable quotes, and, regrettably, there’s enough for a top 10 list.
“DOJ and Democrats used J6 to target and persecute MAGA Americans. Plain & simple.”
Like most of these… fascinating takes, we’ve delved into the “why” behind her nonsense more than it probably deserves, because how else are you supposed to react to something like this beyond “that’s not true?”
Indeed, Greene’s contributions to the January 6 debate stretched far and wide (take that as you will), straining the internet’s tolerance for rubbish like never before.
“The food has been a major complaint. There’s been complaints of it tasting like cleaner.”
As the January 6 rioters continued to immerse themselves in the “find out” phase of their storming of the Capitol, Greene aired concerns about the prisoners’ food allegedly tasting like cleaner.
This isn’t to say that food tasting like cleaner isn’t a problem, but right now, we’re a bit occupied by the astronomically high chances that this is the first time Greene has shown any concern for the state of prison food, or the out-and-out evil state of the United States’ prison system at all.
“If Steve Bannon and I had organized that, we would have won. Not to mention, it would’ve been armed.”
Greene has claimed that the January 6 attacks were actually a peaceful protest, but apparently she believes that was only because she and Steve Bannon weren’t involved.
What’s your angle here, Greene? Not only were the protestors confirmed to be armed, meaning someone had actually beaten you to your retroactive plan of arming your alleged peaceful protestors, but, in your mind, you have the image of a victory of some sort.
We’re not sure what “winning” means in the context of armed, “peaceful” protestors, and we don’t have the slightest desire to learn what that might be.
“Rather than providing the best service possible to the American taxpayer, the Biden Admin. is focused on diversity, equity, and inclusion.”
This quote is actually quite interesting, because the state of language’s dissolution in the realm of American politics is on full display here.
All of this to say that words don’t mean things anymore as far as Greene seems to be concerned. Diversity, equity, and inclusion are not being used here to denote the meanings and subsequent values that these words actually stand for, but instead to simply paint the Democratic Party with the brush that the party uses for itself quite regularly. In other words, if the Democratic Party (which, to the conspiracy-feasting Republican, means nothing other than “bad”) are proponents of diversity, equity, and inclusion (itself a questionable take, but I digress), then diversity, equity, and inclusion must be bad, right?
These nuances are entirely demoralizing to witness, of course, but now we’re just curious how one might explain the ways in which diversity, equity, and inclusion are inherently bad things without dipping into sheer ideological balderdash.
“I will not be voting to fund the FBI and DOJ unless the two-tiered justice system is stopped.”
We said earlier how Greene has transcended the possibility of satirization. The leap from Jane Fonda expressing an understandably volatile sentiment for the recent Roe vs. Wade developments to Greene intending to defund the FBI is one of the two crown jewels of that transcendence.
“Bullshit!”
We admire Greene’s attempt to flip the script by accusing Homeland Security of utilizing her signature tool, but there’s a time and a place for it, and neither of them can be found at a classified briefing (or anywhere, for that matter).
“… the “insurrection” lie about a 3 hour riot at the Capitol that was likely incited by some Fed operatives, Antifa, and a few bad actors.”
Continuing the January 6 saga, Greene eventually conceded that there may have been some bad apples at play during the attack on the Capitol.
One might look at this and think “okay, now we’re getting somewhere.” But if we go back to her previous quote about hers and Steve Bannon’s would-be involvement, how does that fit in with the rest of this new theory? Is she saying she would have armed the rioters, the Fed operatives, the Antifa players, and the aforementioned bad apples? And if they “won,” as she put it, would that not mean that she basically teamed up with Antifa in the process?
We’re starting to think that Greene isn’t terribly concerned with the notion of cohesion.
“President Trump and the J6 Prison Choir’s new song, “Justice for All,” is #1 everywhere.”
This is the second crown jewel of that aforementioned transcendence, and this perhaps edges out her intention to defund the FBI by way of sheer dystopian energy.
“ABC, this threat of violence against me by [Jimmy Kimmel] has been filed with the Capitol Police.”
We’re sure they’ll be taking this as seriously as possible, especially after all the gaslighting she did regarding the Capitol riots.
“We need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government.”
For just one moment, let’s put aside the fact that rebranding into the Divided States of America is a one-way ticket to geo-political disaster. Let’s put aside the possible ramifications of the country’s heinous two-party setup trying to find its feet in the chaos of dissolution, and let’s put aside how terrifying a country could be in the hands of an entirely unobstructed Republican government, regardless of how America’s resources could hypothetically be divvied up.
On second thought, let’s not put any of this aside, and call it out for what it is; a pathetic admission of not wanting to see the world beyond the space that her tightly-wound mind occupies, a desire that she selfishly tries to pin on the people she was somehow given the privilege of serving.
No, let’s never put any of this aside ever again.
Published: Mar 17, 2023 08:49 am