Nato And Remy’s Netflix Dare: The Stuff (1985) Vs. Bloody Birthday (1981)

The Netflix Watch Instantly horror catalog is a bit of an untamed beast. On one hand, you've got recently released horror hits and storied classics to choose from, providing a quality watch for you and your mates. Want to watch a safe movie that's going to rule? Oh, this Cabin In The Woods movie has phenomenal ratings - let's give it a go! You all watch it, you all enjoy it, and everyone goes home happy - but what's the fun in that? Since I'm a gambler, I decided to ask Remy to dare me to watch any horror film currently streaming on Netflix, and likewise I'd do the same for him. Yes, I know the implications such a request carries, with some severely demented/terrible titles available to choose from, but playing the Netflix Dare game runs the full risk/reward spectrum - you could witness the highest of highs, or the lowest of lows. With that in mind, it's so damn hard to pick from this collage of vibrant, gory, redonkulous set of posters (the true judge of Netflix quality) - so why not just let someone else pick for you? Yup, this is the very first Netflix Dare: Presented by Nato and Remy. This week, I dared Remy to watch Bloody Birthday (1981) because the poster was based on a sinister birthday cake, and I was dared to watch The Stuff (1985) based on an equally traumatizing poster. Would we be getting a trick or a treat this Halloween? Let's find out. Bloody Birthday Wow, first off, how did I miss this movie? I love cheesy 80s horror, and Bloody Birthday falls squarely into that category. Do I even need to mention that the film's name is an obvious attempt to cash in on the 80's trend of "holiday themed horror" with Ed Hunt calling his film Bloody Birthday? Keep in mind, there is no actual bloody birthday in the movie. The birthday alludes to the date that the three main kids in the movie are born on - the three main kids who are insane psychopaths for no good reason. More on that soon. Next up, let's talk about the 80s boobies. Thank you, Matt, for giving me a movie that had me frolicking through a valley of 80s boobies. Honestly, there were SO MANY 80s boobies and there was SUCH a lack of actual horror, I do genuinely believe the director just wanted to make porn and couldn't get the backing - so he threw in some creepy kids and made a "horror" movie instead. Seriously, there is some heavy nipple massaging that goes on within the first fucking minute of the story. Oh, the story? Three kids are born during a freak eclipse, and even though they all seem sweet and nice, they are fucking Charles Manson level insane. No, really, they murder some kids who were having sex in a grave and...wait, did I really just say that? Yes, and it only gets more insane from there. Also, the sexuality of this film goes from being okay to creepy really quick. How so? How about when the kids pay .25 cents to watch Julie Brown from MTV get naked through a peep hole? Not the DOWNTOWN Julie Brown, the one from the 90s who had red hair. Yes, SHE IS IN THIS - naked most of the time to boot. Anyway, the kids shoot a ridiculous amount of people. Hell, they even kill their Dad by hitting him with a shovel in the face until he dies, and then they say he "fell." Keep in mind, these kids continue mercing MAD PEOPLE in this movie, yet, no one EVER questions them, even though it's blatantly obvious they're the culprits. They are like three Chucky dolls from Child's Play (now I know why Matt recommended it to me), but the real kicker with Bloody Birthday is the fact that there's surprisingly VERY LITTLE blood. The kills are lame (except when Julie Brown gets a fucking arrow to the eye through a peep hole, that was kinda fun) and the movie has very little resolution (though the babysitter DOES lock one of the kids in a trunk, Collector style, so that was cool?), but the most pressing question when this movie ended for me was: Why the fuck did I just enjoy this? I mean, I shouldn't have, and I really did.... So in essence, Bloody Birthday is the old horror film, The Bad Seed, multiplied by three on the crazy scale, but far less chilling. So why did I like it, when, in theory, it is a bad movie? I honestly think that 80s horror films had a real quirky charm to them. Yes, even the bad ones. Bloody Birthday has a great deal of fun with its premise. Three kids born during a freak eclipse are all sociopaths - surprising, right? Granted, the lack of police presence was a bit odd (even for a campy horror movie), and the fact that these kids eventually just restored to pulling out guns and shooting people was kind of weak, but in essence, it had everything I dig about 80s horror films. It had boobs! It had killer kids! Most importantly though, and the real reason I liked it when I probably shouldn't have - it had fun. I sometimes forget that is one of the best things about watching movies. Thankfully, 80s horror movies are quick to remind me. Next to movies like The Descent and Se7en, this film is absolute crap - but measured by its own merits, it's a simple and fun 80s horror film. What else could you ask for from a film titled Bloody Birthday? 3/5 -Remy The Stuff I have to thank Remy because I've been meaning to watch 1985's The Stuff for a very long time, but haven't had a chance to go back on older horror films due to my current, overflowing to-do list. Part overly-pushy commentary on disgusting commercialism, part horror scenario depicting what would happen if people started eating The Blob, writer/director Larry Cohen created a film that's campy, mildly mind-numbing, and a perfect example of cheesy 80s filmmaking - in the best of ways, of course. While walking about some type of rock quarry or mining facility, a portly fellow stumbles upon some white, frothy substance bubbling out of the ground like white oil. Confused by the emergence of a substance that looks like melted marshmallows, the man does the first thing that comes to mind - he tastes it. Finding it to be scrumptiously enjoyable, he makes a co-worker try it, and the two know what they must do - market it to the masses. From there, "The Stuff" is born, but when questions start to surround its ingredients, private detective David "Mo" Rutherford (Michael Moriarty) starts snooping around, not only questioning the origins of this tantalizing treat, but also how the FDA approved such a food - but is he prepared for the truth? Now when I say The Stuff is campy, I mean like "Paul Sorvino playing a Commie-hating, racists, belligerent militant" campy. Like "People's heads are bashed in only to reveal a soft, white core" campy. Like "There's a character named Chocolate Chip Charlie" - that campy. Consequently, this is also what attributes to The Stuff's B-Movie charm, highlighting a period in filmmaking where no matter how goofy the presentation was, you could still find an audience willing to laugh the whole way. It's not the scariest, goriest, or flashiest horror movie you'll ever see, but with a still socially prevalent message, The Stuff will surprisingly make you think and laugh at the same time. Of course, while Michael Moriarty's character "Mo" Rutherford is the main character, it's Garrett Morris' character Chocolate Chip Charlie who will stick with you. After his legendary company is bought out by the people who make "The Stuff," Chocolate Chip sets out to find out the same details "Mo" attempts to uncover - but in an entirely more badass way. Ready to karate chop any henchman in his way, Charlie meets "Mo" after ambushing him with no introduction, setting up just how silly of a character Charlie is. Animated, always running about, named after a cookie - Morris' role as Chocolate Chip may be one of the best supporting character roles in 80s horror. The Stuff isn't a genre defining B-Movie by any means, but it's a rather unique and fresh entry considering the genre, possessing themes worth cinematic dissection - although the horror movie route may not have been the most obvious choice. There's a bit of a Troma vibe found in the sometimes cringe-worthy dialogue, zero emotional reaction to death and destruction, and randomly badass children, but what else to you expect from the 80s? Crappy pop-rock soundtracks, questionable styles, ridiculously hammed-up special effects, and a sense of humor that just doesn't connect with horror movies of today. Honestly, I probably enjoyed Cohen's cheese-fest more than I should have, but watching this white, oozy goo take over America was just too damn fun to ignore - although I'll never be able to eat a Fluffernutter sandwich again. If you don't know what that is, I feel sorry for your childhood. 3/5 - Nato While this was the first time we've dared each other to review a random Netflix Watch Instantly horror movie, it most certainly won't be the last. I can assure you more of these will come, because now the two of us have a reason to watch old, crazy-ass horror movies that have gotten lost in the shuffle! Maybe we'll even start taking dares from our readers? A little audience participation to liven up the game? What do you guys think about that, getting the chance to try and break Remy or Nato? Go ahead, give us your best shot, we'll keep the titles in mind for future Netflix Dares. In the meantime, Happy Halloween everyone! *A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates: Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro Like what you read? Check out last week's article where we prepare for Halloween by recommending 6 of the best foreign horror movies you can stream on Netflix Watch Instantly right now!