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Ranking The Best Picture Nominees For The Oscars

So one of the nice side benefits of perpetual unemployment, other than learning to translate which Craigslist job ads are for porn (read: ALL OF THEM), is that you've got plenty of time to catch up on movies. In a first, I've actually managed to see every Best Picture nominee that the year has had to offer, so I thought I'd drop my two cents on how they all measure up. Even with snubs to both The Master, and my own personal favorite movie of the year, this is a strong selection of films, and everything on this list is absolutely worth checking out. So enjoy, and remember: I'm not an authority on these matters, I'm the ONLY* authority on these matters!!!

3: Lincoln

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“Fine, I’ll make a movie about the guy who RIDES the war horse. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!” -Steven Spielberg

As if out of spite for 2011 America not embracing his love of French boy-journalists and war horses, Steven Spielberg stacks the deck mightily in his latest film, directing Daniel Day-Lewis as one of America’s greatest presidents. Lincoln was the ‘92 Dream Team of 2012 movies the second it was announced, but that meant expectations were set to an appropriately high standard.

Yet the film is surprising, in that it’s actually surprising; what could have been a stuffy, hagiographic biopic is actually a dense, thought-provoking look at the politics that earned The Great Emancipator his title. While that might sound like even more of a snooze, Spielberg makes the passing of the 13th amendment exciting, funny, and genuinely gripping, a 19th century heist movie, that makes Abraham Lincoln every bit as smooth and clever as Daniel Ocean. That’s right, people: Spielberg found a way to make a sexy Lincoln movie.

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