‘Seems petty, but please proceed’: MAGAs are headed for heartbreak as a judge reaches a verdict on Donald Trump’s stinky toddler dance

Will Donald Trump become president again in November? As much as we laud Kamala Harris’ meteoric rise among potential voters, her hash-faced, barbequed buffoon of an opponent isn’t very far behind in the polls. But we like our chances that by the end of 2024, the very last hair on Trump’s head (the real ones, the ones that are left) will be stripped away, along with the shirt on his back.

Given his penchant for fraud and status as a convicted felon, we were counting on the orange whiner to lose his properties, maybe even Mar-a-Lago, most probably resulting from a very diabolical divorce settlement from Melania. Or maybe Trump will slide off his chair during his next hearing (he will never run out of those), propelled off his own butt by the sheer force of his deadly farts, or by the power of his “listening” (aka snoring).

Never did we dare hope that fate would smile upon us in the weirdest of weird ways, by smiting Toddler Trump’s cringey dance moves.

Yep, we’re talking about the very dance routine Trump drops at the end of most of his rallies, and often breaks out at the most impromptu moments to plague the rest of us who’ve somehow so far managed to escape witnessing this monstrosity. We know change and adaptability aren’t Trump’s strongest traits — he is still rehashing the insults he used for Joe Biden to bash Harris, and he still claims he shares his uncle John Trump’s glowing, MIT-approved genius. But the revolving bag of expired Cheetos is known to publicly glitch if he is expected to improvise on the spot.

So, imagine how he’ll react to this development: the song he has been sashaying his tiny, felony-committing hands to is no longer available to be the backdrop to his vomit-inducing moves.

A judge has ordered Donald Trump to stop using Isaac Hayes’ “Hold on, I’m Coming”

If Isaac Hayes’ classic tune never registered in your senses, maybe because they were being assaulted by an evil slob displacing air, or if the song’s intro bars are enough to catapult you into a waking nightmare, you finally have the opportunity to heal, as a federal judge has ordered Trump and team to stop using it.

Celine Dion, Beyoncé, and Foo Fighters only complained about the GOP nominee using their music for his political campaign without their permission, but the estate of the late R&B singer-songwriter Isaac Hayes took the big step of actually filing an emergency injunction, stressing that neither Trump nor his party has the necessary license needed to use the song. 

Though Judge Thomas Thrash Jr. has allowed the Trump campaign to keep the footage of earlier uses of the song, he did order them “to not use the song without proper license.”

Knowing that Trump already has a towering mountain of felonies he is accused of, his legal brain trust didn’t push the matter. His attorney, Ronald Coleman, has made it known that Trump has no plans to flout this particular ruling, as “the campaign has no interest in annoying or hurting anyone. And if the Hayes family feels it hurts or annoys them, that’s fine, we’re not going to force the issue.”

Hmm, this is coming from the attorney of a man who openly concocted vile insults not only for the judge overseeing his case, but also attempted to spread conspiracy nonsense about the judge’s daughter, repeatedly flouting increasingly degrading gag orders. But again, between the millions he still has to pay in legal fines, and the already-pending trials yet to be adjudicated, maybe someone is finally getting it through Trump’s thick skull that he’ll go SPLAT! if he incurs yet another lawsuit.

As for the fate of Trump’s dance ritual — it’s bewildering that in a world of exceptional makeup products, and a life of hoarding money through fraud, Trump has not upgraded from his Nutella face mask. What chances are there that he will choose a different song to fight air with his fists next time, or that he’ll simply give up on the whole song-and-dance routine? He just added “jazz hands” to his signature moves, but now he is left wondering which song to steal next. Aw, the tragedy!