South Asian woman marries man intrigued by her culture, then catches him making a racist joke about her: ‘Feels so exhausting’

A woman said in a Reddit post that she married a white American man who was curious about her culture and happy to take part in family activities. She wrote that the first time she met his friends, one of them casually made that joke while she walked in, and her husband later repeated it. The woman, who identified herself as 29, said her husband is 35 and that they have been married for a couple of months after dating for a little over two years.

She described herself as very vocal about her socio-political opinions while her husband prefers not to create conflict. In the post on the r/interracialdating subreddit under username u/underwatertreehouse, she said she believes he has a lot of internalized racism and sexism that usually appears when he is with his friends in the form of jokes or when he shares memes with her. She noted that he considers himself a liberal and center-left, yet he gets offended and defensive if she brings up these topics.

The woman explained that she is in her first interracial relationship and has been reading about racial power dynamics, white privilege, and modern white colonialism over the past year. She wrote that this has surfaced complicated emotions related to her marriage, and that the idea of having to teach him to do better or live with this for the rest of her life “feels so exhausting.”

Details from the post about shared jokes and recent arguments

She stated that her husband often shares videos of women doing everything around the house and says he wishes that was his life as a joke, even though she has been clear from the beginning that she wants divided responsibilities in all aspects, including financial ones, since both have high-paying jobs.

Another example she gave involved him and his friends making fun of the Iran war in their group chat. She added that he was born and raised in upstate New York in a very white neighborhood, was part of a frat in undergrad, and that all his hometown and undergrad friends are white.

The couple now lives in New York City, where his friends and colleagues are pretty diverse and he does not act that way around them, according to the post. She said that despite loving her husband, she has been finding it hard to stomach these things about him, and that her feelings are heightened because of the state of the world right now. She described herself as a CSA victim and, in the words of some, a “man-hating” feminist.

Another time, when they were drunk, she wrote, they got into a fight in which he said that she is racist and sexist toward him and that she openly says she hates men and makes comments about white people. She said she was taken aback by this but could see a bit of where he comes from, even if she wishes he had interpreted things differently.

She noted that something has felt off in the marriage for a while, the crack is growing, and they can feel the discomfort, though both remain committed and do not question their love for each other. She indicated they are already considering couples therapy and asked for advice on dealing with the situation herself as well as how to talk to him about becoming better partners.

In the comments, Redditors offered a range of responses to the post. One person suggested the situation was clear from his actions so far, writing, “I mean he’s basically shown you who he is. It’s up to you on how you want to navigate it.” Every marriage has its own dynamics, and some take unexpected turns, as seen in a Texas woman’s unusual second marriage.

Another commenter focused on the difference between public and private behavior, stating, “He seems like he knows when to put on the mask of a liberal and he knows when to take it off.” A separate reader pushed back on the idea that liberal views alone prevent such issues, writing, “You’re making the same assumption that she is — being liberal automatically means you’re not racist, sexist and that you’re a good person.”

Some responses were more direct about long-term prospects. One person wrote, “Off the title alone, men like that won’t change. Your option is divorce or stay hoping he will change (he won’t).”

Others pointed toward professional help or next steps, with one suggesting, “If I were you I’d get a marriage counselor if you think it’s worth saving your marriage. Also start meeting with as many divorce lawyers as you can.” Strangers online can be quick to push couples toward a breakup, like when TikTok telling a wife to leave over a Christmas gift mix-up.